Meadow
by vashtra
Summary: Edward's POV; his and Bella's day at their meadow. (I do not own Twilight or any of the Twilight universe!)
1. Chapter 1

Try as I may, I haven't been able to calm the anxious feeling that now resided in my bones. Hunting with Alice didn't take my mind off of tomorrow as much as I was hoping it would. We barely talked as we stalked the park for easy prey; something I was grateful for. As nervous as I was feeling, Alice was one of the last people I wanted to talk it over with given her visions of Bella; none of which were reassuring. It was a little before midnight when Alice called it quits. We both knew I couldn't feed or prepare anymore for what I was about to do. I bid goodbye to her and started running; we both knew where I was going and I felt no need to explain myself. It was the one place that had any chance of calming my nerves and easing my guilt. Bella wasn't moving like she usually did when she was this deeply under, so I assumed she took something to help her sleep. Did she need help because she was scared of me or she was scared what I thought of her? Rationally I hoped it was the first one, but my body ached for the later. Although her steady breathing did calm my nerves, it only increased my guilt over the danger I was putting her in. I knew that this would either be my last night with her, or my last night without her knowledge of my presence. Tomorrow would change everything. I paced around her room and tried to take comfort in her smell until I saw the sun start to rise. My entire body faught me as I left her room to wait outside for Charlie to leave and her to wake up. Within the hour I heard her wake up and start moving around the house; Charlie had left before she had awaken. I wished more than anything that I could see her; I wanted to know what she looked like when she woke up and her morning routine more than I have wanted anything. After I heard her start washing her dishes, I decided it was time. Whatever happened today; I couldn't stall anymore. If this was my last day with her-my entire being recoiled at that thought- I would enjoy it forever. If this was just the beginning, I couldn't wait to start. I found myself at the door and I knocked quietly. I heard her struggle with the deadbolt and I couldn't help but worry about how much she wanted to see me, and how much I desperately needed to see her in return. I looked her over and I couldn't help but laugh.

"Good morning," I said with a chuckle.

"What's wrong?" she replied nervously as she too looked down.

"We match." I laughed again at our matching tan sweaters. I wanted nothing more than to look at her forever and I found myself desperately hoping she knew how beautiful she looked. I started walking with a quiet sigh to her truck, I couldn't believe I agreed to let her drive. I stood by the old machine as she locked up and walked triumphantly over.

"We made a deal," she said, a little too smugly. As if I could forget any conversation we've had. I climbed dutifully into the passenger seat while the truck roared to life.

"Where to?" she asked.

"Put your seat belt on-I'm nervous already," I said, only half joking. She complied after giving me the dirtiest look she could muster, which still wasn't enough to dim her beauty.

"Take the one-oh-one north," I ordered. She started driving carefully, and by carefully I mean ridiculously slow. I couldn't stop looking at her face and trying to decipher the secrets it held. I was still hung up from our conversation yesterday; how could she possibly think she cares more for me than I for her? I wished fervently that she wasn't the one exception to my power. I suddenly felt a desperate need to see her smile; to see that face light up.

"Were you planning to make it out of Forks before nightfall?" I asked, anticipating her reaction.

"This truck is old enough to be your car's grandfather - have some respect," she retorted with a laugh more beautiful than I could have imagined. Suddenly I didn't mind that she was driving almost mockingly slow; I was glad for the extra time with her. Glad and nervous for what was about to happen.

"Turn right on the one-ten," I said as I contemplated the next steps, most of which caused a smile to spread across my face. "Now we drive until the pavement ends."

"And what's there, at the end of the pavement?"

"A trail."

"We're hiking?" she said with obvious trepidation.

I had expected as much after seeing her gym performance Thursday. "Is that a problem?"

"No," she said with obvious fake confidence.

"Don't worry, it's only five miles or so, and we're not in a hurry," I said, but as soon as I said the distance I could see her swallow heavily and take a deep breath. We drove for a little bit longer and I tried to understand the now panicky look in her eyes. I quickly grew frustrated trying to guess.

"What are you thinking?" I asked desperately.

"Just wondering where we're going."

I didn't quite believe her, but I decided it was the best answer I was likely to get. "It's a place I like to go when the weather is nice," I said, glancing out the window to the thinning clouds.

"Charlie said it would be warm today."

At the mention of Charlie, I felt my nervousness return. "And did you tell Charlie what you were up to?"

"Nope."

"But Jessica thinks we're going to Seattle together?" I asked hopefully.

"No, I told her you canceled on me - which is true."

I couldn't believe this. "No one knows you're with me?" I tried to keep the anger out of my voice as I asked.

"That depends… I assume you told Alice?"

I couldn't keep my anger and horror from showing. "That's very helpful Bella," I snapped. She just kept looking at the road. I wasn't going to let her off that easy. "Are you so depressed by Forks that it's made you suicidal?"

"You said it might cause trouble for you … us being together publicly," she said matter-of-factly.

"So you're worried about the trouble it might cause _me -_ if _you_ don't come home?" My words dripped sarcasm and anger.

She nodded while stubbornly staring straight ahead.

I couldn't believe this. "Self-preservation who?" I mumbled quickly under my breath so she couldn't hear. Was she trying to make this harder on me? I was betting on the face that someone would hold me accountable for my actions if.. If something happened today. Now everything rested squarely on my shoulders. I was so mad at myself. Of course she would try to protect me, how dare I put someone like her in this much senseless danger? My anger consumed me until I realised the car was parked and we were at the edge of the forest. I got out quickly and started walking, removing my sweater as I went.

"This way," I said, glancing over my shoulder at her, unable to hide my fury.

"The trail?" she asked in a panicked voice.

The evident panic caused sparks of guilt to start in my chest, but I ignored it. "I won't let you get lost," I said as I turned around. I noted the look on her face as she saw me, but I put it in the back of my mind as I looked at her. She had taken off her sweater as well and she looked better than anyone deserved to in a plain white tee-shirt. I managed to pull my eyes away from her body as I noticed a look of tortured despair on her face that caught me off guard.

"Do you want to go home?" I asked quietly, my chest aching as I thought of her wanting to leave, and guilt came as I addressed my need for her to stay.

"No," she said as she stepped closer to me. Despair flooded me as her expression didn't change.

"What's wrong?" I asked as gently as I could, my anger all but forgotten in the face of her unhappiness.

"I'm not a very good hiker, you'll have to be very patient," she said dully.

"I can be patient - if I make a great effort," I said with a smile, trying my best to get that look out of her eyes and make her smile again. She did offer me a smile, but it was dim compared to the one she had greeted me with this morning.

"I'll take you home," I promised in a resigned tone, not having enough time to deal with all the emotions that promise contained. I knew I should have kept my anger in check earlier and now I had scared her off.

"If you want me to hack five miles through the jungle before sundown, you'd better start leading the way," she said, breaking my tortured reverie.

I couldn't tell what she wanted from me and I again grew frustrated at my inability to know what she really wished for. Sensing that, whatever had brought on this mood, she wasn't going to let me take her home now, so I sighed and started walking. I tried to make the walk as easy as possible for her hoping that would help improve her mood. It was mostly silent except for the random questions I remembered to ask her and our quiet breathing. When I had to help her over logs or boulders, I would set her down on the other side as quickly as I could. I hadn't yet decided what I was going to do or what I was strong enough to do and I didn't want to tempt myself anymore than I had to. I would sneak glances at her as often as I could as I tried to decipher what she might be thinking about. Knowing her, she probably wasn't scared like she should be. So why was she so quiet? Despite the uncertainty I felt regarding her desires, I couldn't help but feel more comfortable the deeper we got in the woods. I could feel myself relaxing into the scenery as I started laughing more freely as we got into a rhythm. Despite her worries, I never felt impatient like I might if it was anyone but her. I was content with taking our time and just breathing her in from a distance.

"Are we there yet?" she said jokingly, breaking the comfortable silence we had grown into.

I couldn't help but smile at her new, lighter mood. "Nearly. Do you see the brightness ahead?"

"Um, should I?"

"Maybe it's a bit too soon for _your_ eyes," I said with a smirk; I had forgotten for a second that she couldn't see like I did.

"Time to visit the optometrist," she muttered and my smile grew wider.

Finally she could see what I was talking about and she started walking faster. I let her lead the final couple yards; I was increasingly nervous about what was about to happen. As she broke into the meadow, I hesitated and moved over to a shadier edge. I watched her with a rush of emotion as she circled around the clearing with a huge smile on her face. When she turned to find me, the expression on her face when I wasn't there nearly broke me. It made me both extremely happy and extremely guilty. She finally caught sight of me and the smile that broke out on her face calmed me for a moment. She stepped closer, beckoning, and then stepped closer. I held my hand up to stop her; what I was about to do was hard enough without the complete distraction of her closeness. I took a deep breath and stepped out into the sun, bracing myself for her reaction.


	2. Chapter 2

I should have been expecting her reaction. I thought she might be afraid, that it might finally hit her how un-human I am. Instead her face lit up and I could tell she was restraining herself from running over to touch me. I walked carefully toward her with a warning in my eyes. She understood and stood there obediently until I got closer. I had been so stressed about this that, seeing her face, I sunk to the ground. I laid back and closed my eyes, soaking in the sun and letting her get used to me without fearing my scrutiny. I could hear her sit carefully next to me. Not wanting to force her to react or talk, I laid down silently, occasionally singing her lullabye to myself. Even with my eyes closed, I could hear the rustle of fabric as she reached forward and I prepared myself for her touch. The forewarning didn't help. The moment her hand touched mine, it felt like someone had shocked me. I felt more alive in that second than I ever had, even when I had a beating heart. I opened my eyes to watch her pick up my hand and start tracing circles on it. She looked up and smiled when she saw me watching.

I couldn't help but ask: "I don't scare you?"

"No more than usual."

I couldn't stop the smile that took over my face at her response. My beautiful Bella. She moved closer to me and hesitantly started tracing my forearm. I had to close my eyes against the immense pleasure her touch caused.

"Do you mind?" she asked. My Bella, how could she think I wanted anything else?

"No, you can't imagine how that feels," I responded honestly without opening my eyes.

She trailed her hand over the veins in my bicep down to the inside of my arm. She brought her other hand up and, wanting to make it easier for her, I complied with what she wanted and flipped my hand over without thinking about it. In my desire to get her to resume her tracing, I forgot to move like, well, like a human. I could feel her fingers hesitate. I looked at her quickly before closing my eyes again.

"Sorry," I mumbled, "it's too easy to be myself around you." _Much too easy_ , I thought to myself.

She lifted my palm closer to my face and I couldn't help but open my eyes to look at her. I found myself desperate to know what was going on in her head.

"Tell me what you're thinking," I whispered desperately. "It's still so strange for me, not knowing." It seemed a cruel joke to me, the one person's thoughts I actually wanted to know, I couldn't.

"You know, the rest of us feel that way all the time," she chided gently while still playing with my hand. I tried not to let her movements distract me.

"It's a hard life." I couldn't keep the regret out of my voice, if only I was human I could be in love with her guilt-free. "But you didn't tell me."

"I _was_ wishing I could know what you were thinking…" she replied hesitantly.

"And?"

"I was wishing that I could believe that you were real. And I was wishing that I wasn't afraid."

This scared me. I wanted to tell her there was no reason to be afraid, but we both knew that wasn't true. I settled on a truth I could give: "I don't want you to be afraid."

"Well that's not exactly the fear I meant, though that's certainly something to think about."

Careful not to pull my hand away from her, I sat up. I should have known she wasn't thinking of that kind of fear. I almost didn't notice how close my face got to hers, my desire to know her thoughts was too intense. "What are you afraid of, then?" I whispered.

Instead of answering, her eyes fluttered as she leaned closer to my mouth. I had to fight all my instincts but I managed to get to the other end of the clearing before I lost control. The broken, rejected look on her face killed me.

"I'm …. sorry…. Edward," she whispered just loud enough for me to hear.

"Give me a minute," I called as loudly as I dared. I couldn't stand her thinking this was her fault, but I also didn't have enough control to explain my actions yet. Her scent was still clouding my brain as I slowly and deliberately counted down from ten. When I got to zero, I felt more in control and I slowly walked toward her, dropping to the ground a couple feet away. I took a couple deep breaths to steady myself and then tried to smile at her reassuringly.

"I am so very sorry," I paused, trying to come up with a word or phrase that could possibly excuse my behavior. When no phrase felt big enough, I decided to just try and make her smile, anything to get the dejected look off her face. "Would you understand what I meant if I said I'm only human?"

To my disappointment, she merely nodded her head without a hint of a smile. I tried again, I needed her to see that this was all my fault and not hers.

"I'm the world's best predator, aren't I? Everything about me invites you in - my voice, my face, even my _smell_." I felt a sudden desire to show her what I was and to try to scare her away, anything to keep her safe, especially after what just happened. I jumped up and ran around the edge of the meadow as fast as I could. "As if you could outrun me," I laughed bitterly. I reached up and ripped off the first branch I touched and threw it like a spear so it shattered against another tree. And then I went back to her, desperate for her to understand. "As if you could fight me off," I said as gently as possible. I was still about two feet away from her and I could feel the excitement in my bones. This is it, she will want to leave and I can't stop it. There's nothing I can do, no, nothing I should do, to stop her. I stood there and looked her over; her face was ashen and frozen. There was, like I originally hoped there would be, genuine fear in her eyes. And that's what broke me. I couldn't stand to see her scared, even if it was a rational fear. Even if that fear is what I told myself I wanted.

"Don't be afraid," I said quietly, desperate to reassure her. "I promise…" and that's when I knew I was truly done for. I could never hurt her. "I _swear_ not to hurt you." I said for my benefit as much as her own.

"Don't be afraid," I repeated as I stepped closer, anxious for her face to smile again. I sat down again, slowly, until our faces were only a foot apart.

"Please forgive me. I _can_ control myself. You caught me off guard. But I'm on my best behavior now." I waited for a response, but she still seemed unable, or unwilling, to speak. I wish I could know what she was thinking. Hoping again for a smile, I said with a wink, "I'm not thirsty today, honestly." She obliged me with a breathy laugh that eased the pressure I hadn't realized was on my chest.

"Are you all right?" I asked as softly as I could as I put my hand back in hers. She looked at my hand and back up into my eyes. After a second, she looked down and deliberately started tracing the veins in my hand again. She looked up and smiled at me, and I couldn't help smiling back. Maybe we would be okay after all. I was desperate to move past what had just occurred.

"So where were we, before I behaved so rudely?"

"I honestly can't remember."

I felt relieved just to have gotten a response, so I thought back to try and get her to talk more. "I think we were talking about why you were afraid, besides the obvious reason," I said with a little shame.

"Oh, right," she said with still no explanation.

"Well?"

She looked back down at my hand and started doodling aimlessly. I tried to be patient, but I was still not used to this, not having instant answers and especially not knowing a person's every thought. I sighed quietly. "How easily frustrated I am," I said as she looked up into my eyes. She must have saw something that reassured her there, because she started to respond.

"I was afraid … because, for, well, obvious reasons, I can't _stay_ with you. And I'm afraid that I'd like to stay with you, much more than I should."

Finally, a rational response from her. Why did it hurt me so much then when I saw the truth in what she said? It was what I had been saying all along after all. "Yes," I agreed slowly, taking my time as not to say anything rash. I wanted to agree wholeheartedly with her, but I also didn't want her to leave. "That is something to be afraid of, indeed. Wanting to be with me. That's really not your best interest." Her frown at that caused increasingly-familiar pangs of guilt to shoot up in my chest.

"I should have left long ago, I should leave now." I had been over this a million times in my own head, but with her scent all around me I couldn't help but be honest. "But I don't know if I can."

"I don't want you to leave," she said quietly as she looked back down at our hands. This confession made me feel like the happiest man on the planet and the worst thing in existence, simultaneously.

"Which is exactly why I should. But don't worry. I'm essentially a selfish creature. I crave your company too much to do what I should," I admitted.

"I'm glad," she responded much too fervently.

"Don't be!" I exclaimed as I carefully removed my hand from hers. I needed her to try and at least understand the danger was in, even if she refused to be afraid of it. "It's not only your company I crave! Never forget _that_. Never forget I am more dangerous to you than I am to anyone else." I looked into the forest over her shoulder as I tried to calm down.

She interrupted the moment of silence, "I don't think I understand exactly what you mean - by that last part anyway."

I looked at her and couldn't help but smile, of course she picked up on the extra meaning my words had. "How do I explain?" I wondered out loud. "And without frightening you again … hmmmmm." As I thought over what to say, my hand moved back to hers almost of its own accord. I was distracted momentarily by the joining of our hands and I couldn't help but glance at them.

"That's amazingly pleasant, the warmth," I told her honestly, wanting her to understand how much I enjoyed her touch.

I let that statement sit in the air as I tried to assemble my thoughts. "You know how everyone enjoys different flavors? Some people love chocolate ice cream, others prefer strawberry?" I saw her nod as I realized how insensitive a food example might be. "Sorry about the food analogy - I couldn't think of another way to explain." I had hoped my apology might, once again, excuse my behavior. She smiled at me to continue and I briefly smiled back before continuing.

""You see, every person smells different, has a different essence. If you locked an alcoholic in a room full of stale beer, he'd gladly drink it. But he could resist, if he wished to, if he were a recovering alcoholic. Now let's say you placed in that room a glass of hundred-year-old brandy, the rarest, finest cognac - and filled the room with its warm aroma - how do you think he would fare then?" I looked into her eyes, waiting for her to respond, willing her to understand. I tried to guess what she was thinking and gave up quickly.

"Maybe that's not the right comparison," I backtracked, doubting the analogy now. "Maybe it would be too easy to turn down the brandy. Perhaps I should have made our alcoholic a heroin addict instead."

"So what you're saying is, I'm your brand of heroin?" she said with a smile.

I smiled back, grateful for her easy response and her perfect comparison. "Yes, you are exactly my brand of heroin."

"Does that happen often?"

I looked away from her and into the forest, trying to find the least offensive answer.

"I spoke to my brothers about it," I started, still not looking at her. "To Jasper, every one of you is much the same. He's the most recent to join our family. He hasn't had time to grow sensitive to the differences in smell, in flavor." I shot her an apologetic smile, worried this would be what sent her into the shock I have been expecting. "Sorry."

"I don't mind. Please don't worry about offending me, or frightening me, or whichever. That's the way you think. I can understand, or I can try at least. Just explain however you can."

I took a deep breath and looked at the sky, trying to figure out if I should be angry or amazed by her. I settled on a mixture of both while I decided what to say next.

"So Jasper wasn't sure if he'd ever come across someone who was as" - I hesitated, not sure which word would best fit - " _appealing_ as you are to me. Which makes me think not. Emmett has been on the wagon longer, so to speak, and he understood what I meant. He says twice for him, one stronger than the other," I finished, hoping she wouldn't ask a follow up question.

"And for you?"

"Never."

I snuck a glance at her as she thought over the implications of that, what I was admitting with that single word.

"What did Emmett do?" she asked, innocently enough but it was the exact question I didn't want to discuss. I could feel my face darken as I looked away and decided it was better not to answer.

"I guess I know," she finally said.

I looked her in the eyes, begging her silently to tell me I was right: "Even the strongest of us fall off the wagon, don't we?"

"What are you asking? My permission?" she demanded, I had never heard her sound so sharp. She must have felt it too, as she asked in a gentler way, "I mean, is there no hope, then?"

"No, no!" I answered, seemingly too quick. I couldn't believe how calmly we were discussing this. "Of course there's hope! I mean, of course I won't…." I couldn't finish that sentence. I looked into her eyes again, asking her to believe me. "It's different for us. Emmett … those were strangers he happened across. It was a long time ago, and he wasn't as … practiced, as careful, as he is now" I finished lamely. I felt as if my grasp of the English language was leaving with my will to resist. I couldn't take my eyes off her as I tried to guess what she could possibly be thinking. It was physically painful for me to be in the dark like this.

"So if we'd met … oh, in a dark alley or something…" she trailed off, not wanting to complete the thought. I decided to tell her the truth and see where we ended up, as much as I hated the truth I was about to tell.

"It took everything I had not to jump up in the middle of that class full of children and -" I had to stop and try and get the memory out of my head. I couldn't help feeling ashamed. "When you walked past me, I could have ruined everything Carlisle has built for us, right then and there. If I hadn't been denying my thirst for the last, well, too many years, I wouldn't have been able to stop myself." I stared at the trees, not wanting to see her reaction to this story. Finally I couldn't resist looking at her, and we both grimaced as we remembered our first meeting. "You must have thought I was

possessed."

"I couldn't understand why. How you could hate me so quickly …"

"To me, it was like you were some kind of demon, summoned straight from my own personal hell to ruin me. The fragrance coming off your skin … I thought it would make me deranged that first day. In that one hour, I thought of a hundred different ways to lure you from the room with me, to get you alone. And I fought them each back, thinking of my family, what I could do to them. I had to run out, to get away before I could speak the words that would make you follow…" I braved a look at your face, preparing for judgement and not meeting it. I looked at you from under my lashes and I knew then how dangerous that day was. "You would have come," I said, meaning it as a question but it came out as a promise.

"Without a doubt."

I frowned as I looked down at our hands, still intertwined. I took strength from that as I continued.

"And then, as I tried to rearrange my schedule in a pointless attempt to avoid you, you were there - in that close, warm little room, the scent was maddening. I so very nearly took you then. There was only one other frail human there - so easily dealt with."

I paused again to let the story sink in and I felt her shiver. I wished, again, feverently that I could hear her thoughts.

"But I resisted. I don't know how I forced myself _not_ to wait for you, _not_ to follow you from the school. It was easier outside, when I couldn't smell you anymore, to think clearly, to make the right decision. I left the others near home - I was too ashamed to tell them how week I was, they only knew something was very wrong - and then I went straight to Carlisle, at the hospital, to tell him I was leaving."

I could see the surprise on her face and I tried to not let it distract me as I shamefully recounted my escape.

""I traded cars with him - he had a full tank of gas and I didn't want to stop. I didn't dare to go home, to face Esme. She wouldn't have let me go without a scene. She would have tried to convince me that it wasn't necessary… By the next morning I was in Alaska." I tried to keep the disgust for my actions out of my voice.

"I spent two days there, with some old acquaintances.. but I was homesick. I hated knowing I'd upset Esme, and the rest of them, my adopted family. In the pure air of the mountains it was hard to believe you were so irresistible. I convinced myself it was weak to run away. I'd dealt with temptation before, not of this magnitude, not even close, but I was strong. Who were you, an insignificant little girl" - I flashed her a smile - "to chase me from the place I wanted to be? So I came back..." I trailed off, staring back into the sky.

"I took precautions, hunting, feeding more than usual before seeing you again. I was sure that I was strong enough to treat you like any other human. I was arrogant about it. It was unquestionably a complication that I couldn't simply read your thoughts to know what your reaction was to me. I wasn't used to having to go to such circuitous measures, listening to your words in Jessica's mine... her mind isn't very original, and it was annoying to have to stoop to that. And then I couldn't know if you really meant what you said. It was all extremely irritating." I couldn't keep the distaste for this off my face as I continued.

"I wanted you to forget my behavior that first day, if possible, so I tried to talk with you like I would with any person. I was eager actually, hoping to decipher some of your thoughts. But you were too interesting, I found myself caught up in your expressions.. and every now and then you would stir the air with your hand or your hair, and the scent would stun me again...

"Of course, then you were nearly crushed to death in front of my eyes. Later I thought of a perfectly good excuse for why I acted at that moment - because if I hadn't saved you, if your blood had been spilled there in front of me, I don't think I could have stopped myself from exposing us for what we are. But I only thought of that excuse later. At the time, all I could think was, 'Not her'." I had to close my eyes as I remembered that horrible day, that split second of decision making, the agony of the ethics of the situation.

After letting me sit in this reverie for a minute, she quietly prompted me to continue. "In the hospital?"

I looked back at her, our eyes finding each other again.

"I was appalled. I couldn't believe I had put us in danger after all, put myself in your power - you of all people. As if I needed another motive to kill you." We both flinched as that word slipped out. "But it had the opposite effect," I continued quickly. "I fought with Rosalie, Emmett, and Jasper when they suggested that now was the time... the worst fight we've ever had. Carlisle sided with me, and Alice." I couldn't stop from grimacing when I said her name, an immediate picture of Bella cold and not moving flashing in front of my eyes. "Esme told me to do whatever I had to in order to stay," I continued, shaking my head free of the memory.

"All that next day I eavesdropped on the minds of everyone you spoke to, shocked that you kept your word. I didn't understand you at all. But I knew that I couldn't become more involved with you. I did my very best to stay as far from you as possible. And every day the perfume of your skin, your breath, your hair... it hit me as hard as the very first day." We made eye contact again as I tenderly thought of where this story was leading.

"And for all that," I continued. "I'd have fared better if I had exposed us all in that first moment, than if now, here - with no witnesses and nothing to stop me - I were to hurt you."

"Why?"

"Isabella." I pronounced her name carefully, testing every syllable. I couldn't resist reaching out with my free hand and ruffling her hair. "Bella, I couldn't live with myself if I ever hurt you. You don't know how it's tortured me." I looked down, ashamed again. "The thought of you, still, white, cold... to never see you blush scarlet again, to never see that flash of intuition in your eyes when you see through my pretenses... it would be unendurable." I lifted my eyes, trying to hide the agony behind them. "You are the most important thing to me now. The most important thing to me ever." It was more than I meant to say, but it was the truest thing I had ever said.

I watched as she looked back at our hands, curious has to how she would respond and endlessly curious as to what she was thinking.

"You already know how I feel, of course," she finally said. "I'm here... which, roughly translated, means I would rather die than stay away from you." I saw a frown cross her face. "I'm an idiot."

I couldn't help but laugh.

"You are an idiot." She caught my eyes and we laughed together for a moment. I felt an ease settle in my bones as my story was now out in the open and she wasn't running away. I can't lie to myself fully anymore and say that's what I wanted her to do either.

"And so the lion fell in love with the lamb...," I said, wanting to label the new emotions I didn't think could get more intense.

"What a stupid lamb."

"What a sick, masochistic lion." I stared into the forest, knowing there were truths behind that statement and trying to bring myself to care.


	3. Chapter 3

"Why…?" she began hesitantly, pausing before she could finish her question. She doesn't know how crazy not knowing her thoughts is driving me. I found her eyes and smiled, trying to urge her to continue.

"Yes?"

"Tell me why you ran from me earlier."

My smile faded. More guilt shot through me as I curtly responded "you know why."

"No, I mean, exactly what did I do wrong? I'll have to be on my guard, you see, so I better start learning what I shouldn't do. This, for example" - She stroked the back of my hand - "seems to be alright."

 _It's more than alright_ , I smiled to myself as I tried to focus on her question. How can she still think that was her fault? "You didn't do anything wrong, Bella. It was my fault." I hoped she would believe me.

"But I want to help, if I can, to not make this harder for you."

"Well..." I started, trying to think of how I could possibly explain this to her. "It was just how close you were. Most humans instinctively shy away from us, are repelled by our alienness... I wasn't expecting you to come so close. And the smell of your throat." I stopped myself suddenly, risking a look at her face to see if that comment had upset her.

"Okay, then," she said lightly as she tucked her chin. "No throat exposure."

I couldn't help but laugh at that. "No, really, it was more the surprise than anything else." I found myself wanting to test that theory I had so confidently spewed. I raised my hand she wasn't holding and put it on the side of her neck. Electricity flowed through us until I was worried we might explode. "You see, perfectly fine." Perfectly fine seemed too small a phrase for how I was feeling. The burn in my throat constantly reminded me of the danger I was putting her in, but it was so hard to care and I finally gave in to my impulses. Her rapidly beating heart urged me on.

"The blush on your cheeks is lovely," I said quietly as I freed my hand from hers. I brushed her cheek and then held her face between my hands, not thinking about what I was about to do and just trying to let it happen.

"Be very still," I whispered, although she didn't look like she was moving anywhere anytime soon. I never broke eye contact, I wanted to be able to read her emotions as best I could without my gift. I leaned closer to her and then I laid my cheek against the hollow base of her throat. The smell here was all-consuming, but only half of my needs were hunger related. I tested myself for a second, and after deciding I was in control as much as I was able to be, I moved my hands slowly down her neck. She shivered and my breath caught in my throat at the feeling. I stopped my hands at her shoulder and I skimmed my nose across her collarbone as I felt the sudden urge to hear her heart.

"Ah," I sighed as we sat there. I couldn't even began describing my emotions to myself. Listening to the beat of her heart, the thirst became almost unbearable but I knew I could fight it. Those beats reminded me why I had to fight it. I don't know how long we sat like that and for the thousandth time I wished I could read her mind. I lost myself in the quieting of her heart. As much as I didn't want to move, the need to see her eyes and hear what was going on in her head over took me as I slowly sat up. I had never felt more at peace. I knew beyond a doubt that I could do this, that the worst part was over. "It won't be so hard again," I said for both of us.

"Was that very hard for you?"

"Not nearly as bad as I imagined it would be. And you?"

"No, it wasn't bad... for me."

I couldn't help but smile at that. "You know what I mean."

She just smiled back.

"Here." I took her hand and placed it against my cheek, wanting her to feel what she does to me. "Do you feel how warm it is?"

Her eyes got suddenly intense and she whispered "don't move."

I closed my eyes immediately, wanting to give myself over completely to whatever her plan was. I could hear her move slowly, probably in an effort not to startle me again. I silently cursed my earlier actions again, wanting her to be closer already. She traced my eyelid, then under my eye, then my nose. I didn't understand how the meadow could be so quiet when I felt like my world was on fire. When she got to tracing my lips, I felt them part slightly in response. She sat back and I opened my eyes to find hers. I had never longed for anything like this before. I didn't think anything would ever be able to block out the never-ending burn in my throat, especially the one caused by Bella's smell, but that was before her touch changed me.

"I wish," I whispered, wanting her to comprehend what she was doing to me," I wish you could feel the... complexity.. the confusion... I feel. That you could understand." I couldn't stop myself from brushing her hair back.

"Tell me."

"I don't think I can. I've told you, on the one hand, the hunger - the thirst - that, deplorable creature that I am, I feel for you. And I think you can understand that, to an extent. Though" - I smiled slightly - "as you are not addicted to any illegal substances, you probably can't empathize completely."

"But..." I touched her lips again, and her resulting shiver caused me to hold back a gasp, "There are other hungers. Hungers I don't even understand, that are foreign to me."

"I may understand that better than you think."

"I'm not used to feeling so human. Is it always like this?"

"For me?" She paused. "No, never. Never before this."

I held her hands in front of us as I contemplated that. "I don't know how to be close to you," I admitted. "I don't know if I can."

She looked deeply in my eyes as she leaned forward and placed her cheek against my chest. "This is enough."

I instinctively wrapped my arms around her and buried my face in her hair, an addict searching for more of his drug.

"Your better at this than you give yourself credit for."

"I have human instincts - they may be buried deep, but they're there," I replied.

We sat like that as I watched the light start to fade. I held back a sigh as I realised our day was almost up and, as if she could read my mind, she did sigh.

"You have to go."

"I thought you couldn't read my mine."

"It's getting clearer," I said with a smile, wondering if she knew she was the actual mind reader between the two of us.

I decided I was all in now, which meant I wanted to show her how I ran. I contemplated for a second if it would scare her off, but I decided if nothing else had today than she was probably staying. I also decided that Bella hiking in the dark would be safe for no one, even with my superior abilities. The idea of running always made me excited.

"Can I show you something?"

"Show me what?"

"I'll show you how I travel in the forest." Her resulting expression caused me to add some reassurances to the statement. "Don't worry, you'll be very safe, and we'll get to your truck much faster." I smiled at her in excitement.

"Will you turn into a bat?" she asked warily.

I laughed without worrying about my volume. "Like I haven't heard that one before!"

"Right, I'm sure you get that all the time."

"Come on, little coward, climb on my back." I hoped goading her would make her stubborn enough to comply. I could see she didn't quite believe I was serious, so I reached out to help her. I could hear her heart speed up as I grabbed her and gently swung her onto my back. The sound reassured me.

"I'm a bit heavier than your average backpack,"she said almost nervously.

"Hah!' I laughed as I rolled my eyes. I could feel my legs preparing themselves for what was coming. I felt the need to prove again I could handle this, I could handle her. I grabbed her palm and pressed it to my face. As I inhaled deeply I noticed that, although the burning was still there, it wasn't as powerful as the electricity caused by my body reacting to her scent.

"Easier all the time," I muttered as I looked ahead and started running.

I ran as fast as I could, always hyper-aware of the fragile body clinging to my back. I thought over what had just occurred and my body's reaction to her. I was worried about pushing everything too much today, but I couldn't deny that I really, really wanted to kiss her. Also, after being around her all day, I figured today would be safer than any other one. I came to this conclusion as we reached her truck. I was feeling exuberant, both over the run and over my decision.

"Exhilarating, isn't it?" I said, not hiding the excitement in my voice. I waited for her to climb down for a minute before I realised that she wasn't moving.

"Bella?" I asked, getting anxious now. Maybe I made a mistake, maybe she wasn't ready for that.

"I think I need to lie now," she gasped.

"Oh, sorry." I said, honestly feeling bad for making her sick. She still wasn't moving though and I couldn't see her face.

"I think I need help," she finally admitted, and I couldn't help but laugh quietly. Of all the things I'd shown her today, of everything I'd done, running was what got her ill. I gently loosened her hands and swung her around so I was holding her. I knew I was going to have to let her go,but that thought made me hold her closer for a second before I reluctantly set her on the ground.

"How do you feel?"

"Dizzy, I think."

Okay, so just motion sickness, I felt a little relieved at that. "Put your head between your knees."

I sat next to her as I listened to her slow breathing.

"I guess that wasn't the best idea," I said thoughtfully, though it was one of the safest things she's done all day.

"No, it was very interesting." She said, not at all convincingly.

"Hah! You're as white as a ghost - no, you're as white as me!"

"I think I should have closed my eyes."

"Remember that next time."

"Next time!" She groaned and I had to laugh at the idea of a next time. That made me remember my earlier conclusion and I moved so I was in front of her.

"Show-off," she muttered as I moved my face closer to hers.

"Open your eyes, Bella." She only looked mildly surprised to find my face so close to hers.

"I was thinking, while I was running..." I paused, trying to decide how to broach the subject.

"About not hitting the trees, I hope."

"Silly Bella," I chuckled. "Running is second nature to me, it's not something I have to think about."

"Show-off," she muttered again.

I smiled, unable to deny that one. "No, I was thinking there was something I wanted to try." I gently took her face between my hands again. I could hear her breath stop as I moved closer. I paused right before we made contact, double checking that I could do this. That I still had control. Once I deemed myself okay, I gently pressed my lips to hers. What I hadn't expected was her response. She knotted her hands in my hair in an effort to pull me closer, if that was possible. I froze, worried the surprise might make me lose my fragile hold I had on my control. I gently pushed her face back, not able to sort out my emotions to see if she was still safe. Well, as safe as she could be. I tried to hide my fear over what could have happened as she looked reproachfully into my eyes.

"Oops," she breathed.

"That's an understatement." I didn't mean to be so harsh, but I was still trying to process what just happened. The more I replayed the event though, the less in control I felt.

"Should I...?" she asked, trying to move away from me and give me some room. I held her face where it was, just inches from mine. I knew I would be fine as long as she stayed here and didn't distract me as I tried to assess the danger.

"No, it's tolerable. Wait for a moment, please." I said as politely as I could, my mind was still racing. I looked into her eyes as I fought my body, both the burn in my throat and my desire to kiss her again. When I felt I could control both, I smiled.

"There," I said, unable to hide how proud of myself I was. I can do this. I will do this.

"Tolerable?" .

I laughed aloud at the smallness of that word. "I'm stronger than I thought. It's nice to know."

"I wish I could say the same. I'm sorry."

"You are only human, after all."

"Thanks so much."

I jumped up and offered her a hand, remembering her need to get back home. "Are you still faint from the run? Or was it my kissing expertise?" I laughed, feeling as if the weight and misery that has been plaguing me since that fateful Biology class had finally melted into hope.

"I can't be sure. I'm still woozy, I think it's some of both, though."

"Maybe you should let me drive," I said hopefully.

"Are you insane?"

"I can drive better than you on your best day," I teased, feeling almost giddy. "You have much slower reflexes."

"I'm sure that's true, but I don't think my nerves, or my truck, could take it."

"Some trust, please, Bella." She stood there pursing her lips as she considered, I waited patiently.

She shook her head after a minute and said "Nope. Not a chance." I couldn't believe her. Of all the things to be scared of, my driving shouldn't even be on the list.

I was debating whether I should just take the keys anyway when she went to step past me to get to the drivers side. Her wobble made up my mind as I put my arm around her waist to hold her back.

"Bella, I've already expended a great deal of personal effort at this point to keep you alive. I'm not about to let you behind the wheel of a vehicle when you can't even walk straight. Besides, friends don't let friends drive drunk."

"Drunk?" she objected.

"You're intoxicated by my very presence."

"I can't argue with that," she sighed. She held the keys and dropped them into my hand. "Take it easy - my truck is a senior citizen."

"Very sensible." It was almost too easy to win against her now.

"And are you not affected at all?" she asked, sounding slightly annoyed. "By my presence?"

 _I couldn't even began to describe how affected I am_ , I thought. I figured showing her might be easier as I bent my head to hers and brushed my lips down her jawline.

"Regardless," I muttered, trying to remember my point, "I have better reflexes."


End file.
